Re-Casting: First Wives Club

So Hollywood seems to have run out of ideas and is currently remaking every movie ever made. It's obnoxious when they remake a great movie and make it mediocre or even crappy, but I'm all for taking mediocre or crappy movies and making them awesome.

I recently re-watched The First Wives Club with the magic of my Netflix Instant Queue and it is so not as great as I thought it was back in middle school when I would watch it repeatedly on HBO. However, there was potential for greatness: the cast was awesome, the plot starts out pretty dark, but then it gets loaded with cheese and becomes all sappy. I think if it were to be re-made as a dark, black comedy, it could pretty awesome. Sassy, talented, older actresses taking real revenge on the husbands who screwed them over for younger women, with a little more violence and mischief--that could be hilarious!
Demi Moore as Elise Elliot

The actress in this role needs to still be sexy and viable but not as sought after as she once was, and Demi Moore would be perfect for that. She hit big in the 80's with Ghost and St. Elmo's Fire wife who's on Twitter all the time. But she's still super hot and super talented. I could definitely see her pull off getting tossed aside for a young , and stayed pretty popular throughout the 90's, but now she's more known as Ashton Kutcher'shottie and then seek revenge in a bad-ass fashion.
Elizabeth Perkins as Brenda Cushman

So this character needs to be both a loving mother and a little spitfire willing to blackmail her sleazy ex-husband. Elizabeth Perkins has played all types of roles, but the thing she is probably most known for and what I love her in is Weeds. In those first two seasons she is fantastic. She's hilarious. She's conniving but still very human and funny all at the same time. She's beautiful, but could still be dressed down and go through her 'butterfly' transformation to kick some ass at the end of the film.
Toni Collette as Annie Paradis

This is role of the nerd. The mousy one who is afraid to do anything at all. She's super neurotic and over-analyzes everything which is why Diane Keaton was such a perfect choice for the role. Toni Collette has played all sorts of roles (I think my favorite is as Brian Slade's super-fake wife in Velvet Goldmine) so I think she can do anything. She too is beautiful but not in such a striking fashion that you'd disbelieve she could be a dork. She has to be both the straight man but be able to get in a few laughs, and I believe she just one an Emmy for her role in The United States of Tara, so there you go.
Tim Roth as Bill Achtison

And now for the husbands. This is the scummy Hollywood husband who is both charming and icky at the same time. And there isn't anything Tim Roth can't do, so I think he's perfect. Plus he's handsome in an unconventional way and you could totally see some young actress trying to sleep her way through him to become famous.
Nick Offerman as Morton Cushman

I knew nothing of Nick Offerman before Parks and Rec, but now Ron Swanson is one of my favorite characters of all time. It turns out he's younger than I thought, but whatevs, I'd love to see him as a dry, money-hungry, recently turned sugar daddy. Plus for some reason, I think he and Elizabeth Perkins would have great chemistry together.
Dylan Moran as Aaron Paradis

This husband is an intellectual but not quite as nerdy as his female counterpart, but he's also just a little bit slick. Between Moran being the funniest part of Run Fatboy Run and his dry, cowardice in Shaun of the Dead, I think he'd be perfect for this role. Using psycho-analytical bullshit to comfort his wife while screwing the psychiatrist on the side, you'd hate him and love him at the same time.
Billie Piper as Shelly Stewart

This mistress has to be nouveau-riche--classy on the surface but the trashiness slips out every so often. I just got into Doctor Who and I loved Billie Piper as the sweet Rose Tyler, and I tried to watch Secret Diary of a Call Girl, but it's just too weird to watch her be all scandalous. But I think a role like this (somewhere in the middle of those two extremes) would suit her well. Kinda bitchy but still kinda sweet and funny. I could definitely believe she'd have a middle-aged man wrapped around her finger.
Leighton Meester as Phoebe LaVelle

I actually haven't seen Leighton Meester in anything except a lot of Gossip Girl commercials, but she seems to have that lolita-esque pouty thing down pat. This character needs to believably look 25 but actually be 16, and she seems to have that too (since I can't figure out how old she actually is). I could also see her striving to be like the Demi Moore character who would in turn hate her and just want her to go away.
Jessica Walter as Gunilla Garson Goldberg

This character needs to be a sassy old rich broad who's gone through multiple husbands and has no tolerance for shenanigans. And I just love Lucille Bluth and want to see Jessica Walter do more stuff stuff. So there.
Alan Tudyk as Duarto Feliz

Again, this is just another actor who I love and want to see in everything. However, his role in 28 Days as the oversexed, over the top, gay, German fellow was fantastic and I'd love to see him in more roles like that.

So yeah. Imagine all these people in a dark, comedic, revenge film. Imagine it's coming out next fall. It would be awesome, yes?